aim_exorable | 4 ♐ Filtered Text to Gamzee and Equius ♐ In Which Things Are Explained

...My apologies.

_{[So he'll... just... not refer to him at all... then...]}

It is... complicated.

_{[He doesn't want to talk about it.]}

I doubt the pair of you would understand.

_{[He doesn't want to talk about it.]}

Try us.

[Nope, Darkleer. Today is not your lucky day. You are not absconding out of this conversation. Gamzee just heard you helped killed one of the most amazing guys he ever met, you fuckin' owe him that much.]

Edited 2011-12-03 08:11 (UTC)

[Equius hears the fluctuation in Gamzee's voice and glances up, suddenly worried.]

Gamzee, it's okay, he's going to tell us... right, Darkleer? You're going to tell us, aren't you? So we have your side of the story?

[With one arm already around Darkleer, Equius uses his other hand to gently stroke his ancestor's back in slow circles, the same way Darkleer did for him when he was upset.]

_{[Another flinch. Darkleer isn't sure how much of his anxiety is because he is sitting next to an indigoblood he has not made favorable impressions on and how much is because this conversation is something that makes him sick.]}

I...

_{[know how it feels to lose some of the most important people in your life to a higher power that keeps you trapped and locked. I didn't want to go against it myself, because it is my everything, my entire life for the cause they told me was right. Body and life and blood and mind to the Empire, that is what is right and just and true. It is not a good system, it is not a kind system, but it is all for the better, all to make Alternia strong and able to survive almost anything, it has to be.]

[Even if it takes away, even if it hurts, that is how it is, that is what growing up means, to learn how to give up things and depend on yourself, but you can't possibly understand that it is all for the better in the long run because you are still just children and your time is different but it is for the better, it is for the better, you would have learned to be thankful for it, you would have.]

[And I can't bear to think that it isn't, I won't let that happen, because so much wasted, so much lost, for nothing, my whole life will have meant nothing and do you understand how wrong and hurtful it is to have the troll you killed tell you he forgives you?]

[What if they were right?]

[What if everything was broken?]

[What if the pain and death against them was not deserved?]}

I... I am not sure.

_{[Darkleer can't say it. Can't admit it. His voice is losing its steadiness and his hands are clasped so tight they shake and he just... can't.]}

Even... even if you don't get it, you let her go. That's still something. Ain't nothing wrong with letting a motherfucker live.

[He has got to cling onto that minor positive thing in this whole situation. To Darkleer, sparing the Disciple might be a loss of honour, but to Gamzee it was the only honourable thing he had done in the entire situation.]

[Equius nods in affirmation, his head still on Darkleer's shoulder. Despite Darkleer being his ancestor, he knows this conversation is more between the older troll and Gamzee, so he keeps quiet, just letting it all sink in.]

There is.

_{[There's a series of small clicks as his glasses rise up to his forehead, so Darkleer can rub his fingers against his closed eyes. He's getting a headache. This was a bad idea.]}

I don't expect the pair of you to understand. Differences in our times. In age. But... To betray everything I knew for- [Another pause. A sigh.]

...I didn't mean to get into such things. I simply wanted to give you some explanation for why I acted the way I did towards your morail. I would normally be able to ignore... people bothering me while I work, but he reminds me of things. Which is no excuse, I know.

I ain't seeing why I gotta fuckin' understand judging any motherfucker by stuff like what be filling their veins. It don't affect nothing. If it's all being on the inside, you don't even fuckin' see it, and if it is on the motherfuckin' outside, it hurts no matter how warm you all be bleeding.

[His voice was dangerous close to just being whiny, but honestly? Fuck that. He was willing to accept and let people live as they wished, but that was the one thing he couldn't put up with anymore.]

All looks the fuckin' same when it dries anyway.

It's because you went against orders, isn't it?

[Unlike Gamzee, Equius gets it, at least intellectually. He knows how highly the Archeradicators value order and discipline and structure, and he's well aware of the penalties for breaking those. If Darkleer hadn't been the Executor, he most certainly would have been culled for his insubordination.]

[He pats Darkleer on the back.]

You went against orders, and then you lost everything and became the Expatriot, right?

[He looks over Darkleer's back and tries to catch Gamzee's eyes.]

And then you were alone and didn't have any friends and just had to be lonely forever.

_{[No mention how that philosophy- particularly the latter- sounds similar to another he's heard before. But Darkleer doesn't mention that.]

[He just keeps quiet until Equius speaks. Ah. There. He had hoped the younger would understand the reasons of the predecessor. It's good to know that... he didn't think wrong. The latter is a bit off, but for the most part...]

[Darkleer gives a small nod of his head.]}

It wasn't my place. I swore to be loyal. Everything in my life put towards my station, only for it to be all undone because of one person...

I was not supposed to be so weak.

Lettin' a motherfucker go ain't weak. Culling some brother is easy. S'real easy. Any person can do that. All like takes a fuckin' lot more to let someone live and be able to find in your heart at to forgive.

[If the conversation had been spun slightly differently, Gamzee probably would've been sympathizing with Darkleer for his exile and the solitude it had brought him. He understands loneliness, he really does. In fact, later, he probably will pity the adult for what he had to go through for so many sweeps ~~but not like that~~

Right now though? He needs to refute those words. Because he needs to get Darkleer to understand this. Besides, it isn't just about getting him to understand either; it has become about defending some of the most important influences in his life. All three candy-red influences too, imagine that.]

Karkat weren't fuckin' weak for letting a brother up and have a second chance he didn't motherfuckin' deserve. Wataru weren't fuckin' weak for all finding it in his pump to forgive me. Signless isn't fuckin' weak trying to change all this blood shit.

[Equius nods; he understands, Darkleer... he understands better than you know. Perhaps it's a fatal flaw in both of them, that they show weakness and mercy when it really matters and get themselves exiled or killed.]

[His brow furrows a little as Gamzee speaks, and he slides off Darkleer, taking a seat at the far end of the couch and getting out his SFC. This is silly, but he doesn't want to embarrass his ancestor by saying this out loud, but it's important Gamzee hear it. So this message is filtered directly to Gamzee's SFC.]

_{[Way to be subtle, Equius.]

[Fortunately, Darkleer doesn't really care. He just stays as he is, eyes closed and large hands pressing against his hairline.]}

...I never said he was weak.

_{[And that- the fact that he can almost admire and respect Signless for doing as much as he did- that... is part of the problem.]}

[Gamzee glances down at his SFC at the soft ping, reading over the message before looking up to meet Equius' eyes. He had never said he wasn't giving Darkleer a second chance. Everything about dealing with Darkleer was giving him second chances (and third and fourth) despite what Karkat thought of the entire thing, because he honestly did think Darklerr could change. But sometimes you just really needed someone to tell you that you had to. He had needed that. That's what friends were for.

Before he can say as much though --or text it at least-- Darkleer spoke again.]

You're either both strong or both weak. It don't make sense else.

[Gamzee's brows furrowed, not in anger this time though; just in pained misunderstanding. Well, it didn't, right? Why would one person be considered strong for doing something, and the other weak? Why was all this stuff so complicated and why did it make his head hurt so much? Why couldn't they just all get the fuck along?]

[Equius hasn't talked to Signless, but he's heard about him from other trolls, and has made the decision that he isn't going to be talking to him. He sounds too much like Karkat, and Equius doesn't want to muddy the waters of his kismesistude any further.]

[He scoots back over next to Darkleer, carefully reaching out and patting his back... his impossibly broad back. Is he really going to get this big someday?]

I think they're both STRONG. Just... maybe not in the same way.

_{[Is there any question towards that? Of course Equius will get this big one day, if he keeps practicing his skills in combat, not weakening for a moment. Of course, with how Vatheon is, there's always a chance for change... Darkleer, after all, is a product of sweeps and sweeps of doing his best to keep in top form, all to make sure he wasn't so easily killed.]

[And it is so easy to get killed in Alternia.]

[The tense muscles in Darkleer's back do loosen a bit under Equius' palm. Never has he been more thankful for his descendent.]}

His... was not something I am to possess. Not what I was supposed to possess. That is not how it is supposed to be.

_{[All back to order and what is proper and what is expected and god he's tired right now, why are they still talking about this.]}

Fuck how shit is supposed to be.

[Gamzee veers up slightly, fixing Darkleer with a firm stare.]

The way things were supposed to be ain't fuckin' right and you know it. [a short, frustrated sound and he gestures with his hands.] There ain't even all an empire. Not here, not back in the motherfuckin' veil either. Blood don't matter no fuckin' more. It ain't all right that motherfuckers should get their listen on for me just cause of what my biscuit pumps. Not when best friend always up and has been the brother to keep shit together.

[Augh this is the most frustrating conversation ever and his pan hurts.]

You can change here. You like all up and got a chance to be happy. So why can't you just all be that? What is so motherfuckin' wrong with being happy?

[And now Equius has a headache too, making this a frustrating and distressing conversation for all three of them.]

[He keeps patting Darkleer's back, but lets his other arm go around his neck again, hugging him loosely. Sorry, bro... you let Equius know he can touch you without fear, so you've gained yourself one clingy barnacle of a descendent.]

I want you to be happy here.

[He glances up at Gamzee.]

We want you to be happy here.

[Because I don't deserve it.]

[And there lies the problem. One way or another, no matter what the 'true' wrong in his actions was, he failed. Hesitated. And failures aren't allowed the stability required for happiness, or at least what he's always been lead to believe it was. Failures should be lucky if they aren't culled. Darkleer has always held that view sternly against others, and he doesn't hesitate it in applying the view to himself. He's more than deserved it, hasn't he? ]

[He can't be happy because he won't let himself be happy. ]

[But he has a feeling that's an answer that won't satisfy either young troll. So, awkwardly, he just nods his head.]

Thank you for that, then. I've spoken more than I meant to. The pair of you are... tenacious.

Yeah, and stubborn too.

[Gamzee is grinning a little this time even if his head is still feeling a little sore and too full of thinks.]

You're not going to leave again, are you?

[If they get nothing else accomplished today, this is important information that Equius needs and wants.]

_{[...That actually earns a small smile out of him. Hardly noticeable, really, especially behind all that hair, and when he straightens up, it's gone again. The glasses slide back into place.]}

That too.

_{[Leave again? It honestly hadn't occurred to him. They both... seemed to want him here. Even after the discussion, they aren't... driving him off...]}

...Have the pair of you eaten yet?

_{[Why not.]}

[That sudden change of topic is enough to give Gamzee momentary mood-whiplash. He blinks owlishly for a few moments, trying to restart his brain and huh. Has he eaten? He can't remember. Well, he is always ready for food anyway.]

... no?

[Because he's essentially draped on his ancestor like a sweaty blue towel, Equius feels Darkleer relax a little, feels the tension leave his shoulders, and when he lets him go and sits back, Equius is looking smugly pleased with how it all went down.]

Not recently, no.

[Two hours ago isn't recent, right? Come on, they're growing boys!]

We'll make something, then.

_{[Something to take their minds off of that whole wretched business which happens to be his past. With Equius now off of him, Darkleer rises up to his feet and looks down at the duo.]}

Afterwards, perhaps we can work on controlling your strength a bit, Equius.

4 ♐ Filtered Text to Gamzee and Equius ♐ In Which Things Are Explained

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