aim_exorable | 4 ♐ Filtered Text to Gamzee and Equius ♐ In Which Things Are Explained

D --> I believe now that the pair of you have had a chance to recuperate from recent events
D --> I would like to discuss some matters with the pair of you
D --> As I said before, to Equius
D --> They would concern your ancestor, Highblood, along with some matters regarding myself
D --> Matters which I have not been particularly open with

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

aim-exorable.livejournal.com

You both know I held a high standing within the Archeradicators. That meant I had to be at least somewhat familiar with the leaders of other groups, even if relations were not entirely pleasant on occasion.

_{[A pause as he considers those times, and then he shakes his head.]}

It does not do a troll well to get too close to subjugglators. Particularly the Grand Highblood.

I mention this to the pair of you because there is a chance that he may come here. There has already been an influx of older trolls, so the idea is not a strange one. If he does appear here... You should stay away.

As far as possible. If you could avoid him even knowing your existence, that would be for the better.

I... do not want either of you to have to deal with that.

From:

420

Aight. If you say so.

[Darkleer is, after all, only trying to look out for them. That is something that friends do. And if he says that it is best to stay away from the Grand Highblood then Gamzee is fully willing to trust in his judgement.

Besides, though he had paid little attention to his school feeding, he wasn't completely dumb either. Not to the reputation of the subjugglators, at least. And not to the creed they most likely lived by.]

... should we all like to be telling the rest too? If that motherfucker be dangerous for us, he's all gotta being more dangerous to them.

From:

stayb100ponyboy.livejournal.com

Gamzee's right.

[Equius shifts, letting go of Darkleer's neck and sitting back against the couch, although he stays close to the older troll's side.]

He'd be bad for us, but even worse for everyone else.

[And jerks though they may be, they're still his friends, and he doesn't want anything bad to happen to them.]

Edited Date: 2011-12-02 04:28 pm (UTC)

From:

aim-exorable.livejournal.com

...What you do now with the information is up to you. If you desire to tell any of your fellow trolls about it, then go ahead.

It's not my place to tell you how to act around them.

Which I suppose brings me to my next point. [A small sigh. He wants to leave, but at the same time, he's too tired to abscond. There's no point in trying to hide his shame anyway.] One way or another, you'll find out more about the things I've done. The others, particularly the Neophyte and Cavalreaper, are far too talkative for it to be otherwise.

As you both know, I was an Executor before.

From:

420

[A small nod, and then, remembering something that Redglare had told him before--]

... Redglare done said you fuckin' went and got exiled. Cause you wouldn't cull one motherfucker. Were that true?

[Cause personally he thinks that is pretty grand. That means Darkleer had changed, right? And that was good.]

Edited Date: 2011-12-02 07:26 pm (UTC)

From:

stayb100ponyboy.livejournal.com

You were exiled?

[Yeah, Equius has been pointedly ignoring all the conversations he's been having the last couple of days where people have referenced the Expatriate instead of the Executor. He figured that if that was true, it's something Darkleer would want to tell him himself, and he could wait for that information.]

From:

aim-exorable.livejournal.com

_{[Being reminded of that Legislacerator and her big mouth has Darkleer tensing up and his eyes narrow behind his shades. A part of him wishes he could say she had no right to speak such things, but... that's not true. He lost all rights he had to defend his honor- although he hardly has such a thing now despite what he clings to- when he lowered his bow against a rebel.]

[He is scum of the lowest kind who should prostrate himself before those who decided to grant him mercy by letting him retain his life... even if this is turning out to be a far worse punishment.]

[...It hurts a little to know he must tell these two that.]

[Very weary and now free of clinging wrigglers, Darkleer leans forward with his elbows upon his knees. Head bowed.]}

That is what 'Expatriate' means. Yes. [He's honestly not being snappish or snarky. Just... so tired.]

She was someone it should have been easy to cull. This was all during a rebellion- or at least nearing the end of it, by then. My arrows had already found more rebels than I can remember.

[Another pause, and he links his fingers together so that he has something to grip.]

...Including the leader of that rebellion. A troll with mutated red blood.

As Executor, that was my duty. My purpose.

And she was next- his closest follower, his matesprit. It should have been as simple as the most basic of math.

...But I let her go. Not even a shallow wound.

Somehow, I was fortunate enough that my disgrace and disloyalty- [The word sounds like a curse coming from his lips.] did not ensure my culling. Somehow.

_{[He wants to almost apologize for not being what they thought he was, a better troll surely, but he's not sure how to say it.]}

From:

420

[oh god, he killed the Signless. Killed him. Or at least helped, and oh god.

Gamzee's chest suddenly feels tight; he feels sick and unsure, and part of him just wants to push away so quickly from Darkleer that he is sure he'll go toppling right off of the couch. But at the same time, despite knowing that Darkleer had been complicit in such a horrid thing, that did not take away his feelings of fondness for the older troll. Those had grown over the past few months and even if it hadn't been easy to understand Darkleer at times, he had always been, more or less, kind to him and Equius.

And fuck. Seriously. What right did he of all trolls have to judge someone for culling a motherfucker? He who culled so many of his friends and was going to cull his own matesprit and fuck, he hadn't really deserved a second chance either, had he? But he had still gotten it. Wataru had still given him that. So who was he to judge if Darkleer deserved one or not. Especially when at least Darkleer had let someone go. He hadn't. He had just kept culling until Karkat's sickle had found the inside of his chest.

Swallowing hard, not really looking at either Equius or Darkleer, Gamzee tightens his fingers on the hem of his shirt.]

... why?

From:

stayb100ponyboy.livejournal.com

[Equius doesn't say anything.]

[Unlike Gamzee, he knows what it's like to live your entire life according to random, often arbitrary customs and codes of behavior, to value honor and dignity and duty above all else. He used to be like that, hiding behind those codes because it was too painful to act out against them, too hard and frightening to put himself and his freakish abilities under the scrutiny of all other trolls. Moreover, he wanted to be an Archeradicator too, and understands how rigid their code of conduct can be. The fact that Darkleer was able to fight it at all is astounding, especially when he had risen as high as to become the Executioner.]

[No, Equius doesn't say anything, but he moves, sliding one arm across Darkleer's midsection, holding on to him and resting one cheek against his shoulder. He lets his hand fall, close to Gamzee, and turns it so it's palm up, inviting, in case his matesprit wants to take it.]

[So much courage... so brave to stand up against sweeps of conditioning and control and conduct.]

From:

aim-exorable.livejournal.com

_{[...Better a reaction than he thought he would earn, honestly. Better than he deserves.]

[The weight against his arm is a surprising one, and it deserves a small twitch of his head in Equius' direction. But then, it is not surprising. They are so similar, after all. Ancestor and Descendent. Yet still he had not been sure of whether those similarities would mean acceptance or denial.]

[His voice is still quiet when he speaks up.]}

Why what, Highblood?

From:

420

[Gamzee glances at the hand but doesn't take it. Not yet. He's feeling too sick to right now.]

Don't fuckin' call me that.

[The title is not one he is fond of to being with, but now knowing what Darkleer's personal ideologies had also led to, he really couldn't fucking deal with it.

He swallows hard.]

Why did you let her go?

From:

stayb100ponyboy.livejournal.com

Call him Gamzee.

[Equius' voice is quiet, but very much there.]

From:

aim-exorable.livejournal.com

...My apologies.

_{[So he'll... just... not refer to him at all... then...]}

It is... complicated.

_{[He doesn't want to talk about it.]}

I doubt the pair of you would understand.

_{[He doesn't want to talk about it.]}

From:

420

Try us.

[Nope, Darkleer. Today is not your lucky day. You are not absconding out of this conversation. Gamzee just heard you helped killed one of the most amazing guys he ever met, you fuckin' owe him that much.]

Edited Date: 2011-12-03 08:11 am (UTC)

From:

stayb100ponyboy.livejournal.com

[Equius hears the fluctuation in Gamzee's voice and glances up, suddenly worried.]

Gamzee, it's okay, he's going to tell us... right, Darkleer? You're going to tell us, aren't you? So we have your side of the story?

[With one arm already around Darkleer, Equius uses his other hand to gently stroke his ancestor's back in slow circles, the same way Darkleer did for him when he was upset.]

From:

aim-exorable.livejournal.com

_{[Another flinch. Darkleer isn't sure how much of his anxiety is because he is sitting next to an indigoblood he has not made favorable impressions on and how much is because this conversation is something that makes him sick.]}

I...

_{[know how it feels to lose some of the most important people in your life to a higher power that keeps you trapped and locked. I didn't want to go against it myself, because it is my everything, my entire life for the cause they told me was right. Body and life and blood and mind to the Empire, that is what is right and just and true. It is not a good system, it is not a kind system, but it is all for the better, all to make Alternia strong and able to survive almost anything, it has to be.]

[Even if it takes away, even if it hurts, that is how it is, that is what growing up means, to learn how to give up things and depend on yourself, but you can't possibly understand that it is all for the better in the long run because you are still just children and your time is different but it is for the better, it is for the better, you would have learned to be thankful for it, you would have.]

[And I can't bear to think that it isn't, I won't let that happen, because so much wasted, so much lost, for nothing, my whole life will have meant nothing and do you understand how wrong and hurtful it is to have the troll you killed tell you he forgives you?]

[What if they were right?]

[What if everything was broken?]

[What if the pain and death against them was not deserved?]}

I... I am not sure.

_{[Darkleer can't say it. Can't admit it. His voice is losing its steadiness and his hands are clasped so tight they shake and he just... can't.]}

From:

420

Even... even if you don't get it, you let her go. That's still something. Ain't nothing wrong with letting a motherfucker live.

[He has got to cling onto that minor positive thing in this whole situation. To Darkleer, sparing the Disciple might be a loss of honour, but to Gamzee it was the only honourable thing he had done in the entire situation.]

From:

stayb100ponyboy.livejournal.com

[Equius nods in affirmation, his head still on Darkleer's shoulder. Despite Darkleer being his ancestor, he knows this conversation is more between the older troll and Gamzee, so he keeps quiet, just letting it all sink in.]

From:

aim-exorable.livejournal.com

There is.

_{[There's a series of small clicks as his glasses rise up to his forehead, so Darkleer can rub his fingers against his closed eyes. He's getting a headache. This was a bad idea.]}

I don't expect the pair of you to understand. Differences in our times. In age. But... To betray everything I knew for- [Another pause. A sigh.]

...I didn't mean to get into such things. I simply wanted to give you some explanation for why I acted the way I did towards your morail. I would normally be able to ignore... people bothering me while I work, but he reminds me of things. Which is no excuse, I know.

From:

420

I ain't seeing why I gotta fuckin' understand judging any motherfucker by stuff like what be filling their veins. It don't affect nothing. If it's all being on the inside, you don't even fuckin' see it, and if it is on the motherfuckin' outside, it hurts no matter how warm you all be bleeding.

[His voice was dangerous close to just being whiny, but honestly? Fuck that. He was willing to accept and let people live as they wished, but that was the one thing he couldn't put up with anymore.]

All looks the fuckin' same when it dries anyway.

From:

stayb100ponyboy.livejournal.com

It's because you went against orders, isn't it?

[Unlike Gamzee, Equius gets it, at least intellectually. He knows how highly the Archeradicators value order and discipline and structure, and he's well aware of the penalties for breaking those. If Darkleer hadn't been the Executor, he most certainly would have been culled for his insubordination.]

[He pats Darkleer on the back.]

You went against orders, and then you lost everything and became the Expatriot, right?

[He looks over Darkleer's back and tries to catch Gamzee's eyes.]

And then you were alone and didn't have any friends and just had to be lonely forever.

From:

aim-exorable.livejournal.com

_{[No mention how that philosophy- particularly the latter- sounds similar to another he's heard before. But Darkleer doesn't mention that.]

[He just keeps quiet until Equius speaks. Ah. There. He had hoped the younger would understand the reasons of the predecessor. It's good to know that... he didn't think wrong. The latter is a bit off, but for the most part...]

[Darkleer gives a small nod of his head.]}

It wasn't my place. I swore to be loyal. Everything in my life put towards my station, only for it to be all undone because of one person...

I was not supposed to be so weak.

From:

420

Lettin' a motherfucker go ain't weak. Culling some brother is easy. S'real easy. Any person can do that. All like takes a fuckin' lot more to let someone live and be able to find in your heart at to forgive.

[If the conversation had been spun slightly differently, Gamzee probably would've been sympathizing with Darkleer for his exile and the solitude it had brought him. He understands loneliness, he really does. In fact, later, he probably will pity the adult for what he had to go through for so many sweeps ~~but not like that~~

Right now though? He needs to refute those words. Because he needs to get Darkleer to understand this. Besides, it isn't just about getting him to understand either; it has become about defending some of the most important influences in his life. All three candy-red influences too, imagine that.]

Karkat weren't fuckin' weak for letting a brother up and have a second chance he didn't motherfuckin' deserve. Wataru weren't fuckin' weak for all finding it in his pump to forgive me. Signless isn't fuckin' weak trying to change all this blood shit.

From:

stayb100ponyboy.livejournal.com

[Equius nods; he understands, Darkleer... he understands better than you know. Perhaps it's a fatal flaw in both of them, that they show weakness and mercy when it really matters and get themselves exiled or killed.]

[His brow furrows a little as Gamzee speaks, and he slides off Darkleer, taking a seat at the far end of the couch and getting out his SFC. This is silly, but he doesn't want to embarrass his ancestor by saying this out loud, but it's important Gamzee hear it. So this message is filtered directly to Gamzee's SFC.]

From:

aim-exorable.livejournal.com

_{[Way to be subtle, Equius.]

[Fortunately, Darkleer doesn't really care. He just stays as he is, eyes closed and large hands pressing against his hairline.]}

...I never said he was weak.

_{[And that- the fact that he can almost admire and respect Signless for doing as much as he did- that... is part of the problem.]}